Well, it has been over a year since I have even looked at this site.  The new year is approaching and 2005 will be just a small collection of fading memories.  Things change quickly and what is interesting to me is that we never see it coming.  I mean, I look back over say, the last 5 years and I can see that there have been extraordinary changes in myself and my life and I can intellectualize that and say, "that is the stuff of life" or "the only constant in life is change"...I can get that.  I can wrap my mind around that but to look forward from today and try to visualize what may change for me in the next five years?...impossible.  That's just it.  The past no longer exists.  It does not exist.  The future does not exist and cannot even be accurately imagined.  It does not exist.  So that leaves us with only now, this moment, this breath, this thought, this moment of being...this is the only real thing.  Real may be too strong of a term.  But this is the only moment of consequence.  In this moment, right now, I am generating karma.  So if I start to think back to last week when someone I work with was upset with me and I try to pull that into the future, into today and I think, "that person has it out for me, that person does not like me, that person is not going to to stop..."  I am co-creating a future that I neither want nor deserve.  How often do we do that?  We all constantly pull things from the past into the present.  Let's just stop.  Let's stop and let the present be.  Just be, as it is, with no attachments to the future outcomes. 

Peace,

Mel  

Well...I haven't written in about 11 months...So much has changed and so much has not.  Dustin died this week.  I was trying to get back before he got worse...I am going to be there next Tuesday with the kids...but I guess it wasn't meant to be.  Tonight is the visitation in our hometown and tomorrow the funeral.  I cannot explain how important Dustin and the entire Maimer/Reeve family have been to my life, my growing up, my understanding of the world...Erica is my best friend (I have only two!) and we have been through so much together.  I saw Dustin grow up and become a strong, intelligent, thoughtful, capable man.  It is incredible to me.  I am so proud of them all, as if they were my own.

This has been an very hard week.  Next week will be even more difficult.

It seems so silly to be saying this on a blog, out to the electronic neverland...but I don't care.  Dustin, I love you and miss you and I wish I had been able to spend more time with you.  Please watch over us all. 

Love,

Melinda

I am writing while waiting for a fax to download...yes working AGAIN.  I have been working so much that I swear my mouse is permanently attached to my hand. The past two weeks have been non stop...no lunch, no peace of mind.  But you know what?  We are going camping this weekend with the cubscouts.  I can't take my computer (yes have to take my pager and phone but...) so I must have some time to make peace with nature!!!! Wahooo!

I can't wait to get the hell out of here!  It is sooo crazy, I am trying to get three people trained on new accts at work, I have my new mgmt role, I am still working two accts myself (barely...almost shut down the customer today) and I am super duper stressed.  I drove to work today (1hr.) in my sleep...not recommended.

So, in order to get a grip, I have to work at night to go through some email.  I had 285 tonight...trying to whittle it down before 7am begins the cycle all over again.  I know I am not the only one in this position but I feel like it sometimes.  I had to have a chat with an employee today regarding negative behaviors and un-team like work...nice.  Enjoyed that sooooo much

Then tonight had cubscouts, that went okay.  But I have to shop for food tomorrow night, get everything jammed into the car (a civic holds next to nothing for camping), plan outdoor activities, and of course work.

Called my best bud Erica over the weekend as I needed to be talked down...I had a date and panicked.  I am not sure I am ready for all of this.  The more time goes by, I am not sure I will ever be ready for this stuff.    I don't know, I will just let it ride and see what happens.  I just can't imagine my life other than what it is.

Anywhooo, gotta go check the mail and try not to shut down the customer...gotta love it!

I wish you all the best...Dustin I am glad to hear some writing that seems so much more positive!  Miss you all! Mel

Currently Reading One Door Away from Heaven By Dean Koontz see related

You should check out the subscription I added to NDM (Never a Dull Moment)...that guy takes a nice photo.  Nice site design also.

Can't stay, gotta work tonight.  Ordering in Streets of New York pizza....yummy!

Work is out of control...I cannot get a grip at all, even if I worked 24 hours a day for a week, I'd still have stuff to get caught up on.

Oh well, at least I realize my limitations right

Went to see my therapist today (last time prior to holidays) and this was good, this was needed, got some things off my chest and moved around in my brain for further contemplation...I have to write in my journal...I need pencil and paper for this thought process to really work for me...don't know why.  Just do. 

Later,

Mel

Okay, so I am using this space to get a grip.  Super stressed.  I have to work tonight just to get through the damn email.  I swear I had 215 email when I walked into work...it never ends.   I need to get my head together...my house is a wreck, I am a wreck (got three fever blisters on my mouth today), I am always behind at work, and I am still dealing with ex bullshit.  I tell you, it is enough to want to crawl into bed and never get up.  But I do...get up that is.  Usually I can keep it all together but sometimes, it all just blows up in my brain. 

I actually met someone at a New Year's party and I have a date on Sat.  Scary shit.  But it needs to be done.  I need to see if I can do this without a total mental breakdown. 

I just don't think I have enough left to give to someone in a "relationship".  I just don't have any hopes in that regard.  Of course I have never really had a  good relationship so I have no basis for saying that...I just feel so stressed and crazy all the time.  I mean I have down time and some time to myself (when I sleep) but I can't shut off the brain, ya know?  I was doing well with meditation for a while but stopped...I am blocking.  The guy also meditates and I expect to try some new techniques after we discuss it further.  I need it.  I really need to just stop. 

I can't continue to go on this way.  I really think about this stuff constantly and I want to sort of break free of the self imposed walls but I just get more and more mired in stuff.  Yes, I have alot of stress raising the boys alone but good god, it is a hell of a lot better than being married!  That I assure you. 

So, I am grateful for that.  I am grateful for my boys.  I am grateful for my friends.  I am grateful for my health.  I am grateful for my job.  I am grateful for my house.  I am grateful that I live in such a beautiful place.  I am grateful.

To all those readers out there...thank you for you kind words, inspiration, and encouragement.  You really help me through, even if I don't know you.

Okay, I feel better now.  I can cook dinner and sit back down to work with a little less tension in my body and mind.

Have a great week and take my advice (not my example), breathe...

Currently Reading The Tenth Insight By James Redfield see related